This last Friday I was given the chance to go see a performance of the Sound of Music. My Mom and brother were given tickets and both were willing to give up their own ticket so I could go with the other one. I’m obsessed with Sound of Music, but so are they. My whole family loves it. They both thought I needed the night out more than them though. And they’re probably right. But I didn’t want to go. I wanted to want to go, but I didn’t.
The show started at 8. It was almost an hour and a half from my house. In an area I’m not used to driving in. And it was snowing very lightly. And mostly I was tired. It had been a VERY long week. Lucille’s still pooping her pants, Lennon has been teething badly, the end of one month and beginning of the next is my busiest time at work, oh and my period just started. So yes, I deserved a nice Friday night. And I had one planned: a new chicken recipe with a new side dish recipe for dinner, bath time for the babes, a popcorn movie night followed by bedtime and then maybe drinking a cider and watching an episode of Friends with Peter. I was really looking forward to it, and then I got the call about the tickets.
The generosity of my mom and brother was so nice. I wanted to go simply because I was touched. I felt bad turning them down. But 8:00 is bedtime. Peter can’t do bedtime without me. Lennon needs the boob to get to sleep. If Peter tried, I’m afraid we may lose some of the progress we’ve made with little man. I know he’d try if I wanted to have a night out. But I don’t want him to. I know it’d be a disaster. I know I’d pay for it for days to come.
I spend the majority of my time in my house. When I leave, the kids are almost always with me, so I’m chasing them around making sure they’re safe. I should want to get out without them. But I’m too tired to dress up to see a show. I’m too tired to drive back home from a show at 10 pm. Honestly, I fear I’d fall asleep. I enjoy the arts, but I don’t have the energy to actively enjoy them right now. I look forward to being able to go to these shows again in the future. When I’ve slept more than a 2 hour stretch some time in the past 3 years. But it’s not right now.
Right now I’m happy spending 99% of my time with a 2 year old and a 1 year old. Because soon I won’t have a 2 year old and a 1 year old. I’m happy having 1 meal away from my kids a month, when my husband and I have our monthly date. When I get additional time away from them, I’m happy to spend it during daylight hours for both my sake and theirs, because we’re all too tired for me to be out late at night.
I’ve seen mother’s and prospective mother’s put down women like me who give everything up to be a mom. And that’s fine. I’m not asking you to do it. I completely support mother’s making every effort to have a social life outside their kids. But for me, other than play dates with other mom friends, my social life is taking a break for a few years. To me, it’s a small sacrifice to make.
I hope the Sound of Music comes to my area again in a few years and I can go with my mother, brother and sister. I hope my friends who I’ve lost touch with know I still love them, I just can’t talk on the phone for more than 30 seconds without my phone being torn from my hand by a curious observer. I hope to teach my kids to love the things I love that I’ve taken a break from: dance, theater, music, literature. I hope that I can enjoy a full night’s sleep before this decade ends. But mostly I hope to get to experience as many moments as I can with my husband and two toddlers.